The comfort of belonging to someone, of not being alone in the world.
adults show patterns of attachment to their romantic partners similar to the patterns of attachment of children with their parents.
Attachment theory designates three main “attachment styles,” or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, which parallel those found in children: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant.
Just over 50 percent are secure, around 20 percent are anxious, 25 percent are avoidant, and the remaining 3 to 5 percent fall into a fourth, less common disorganized category.
one of the main messages of this theory is that in romantic situations, we are programmed to act in a predetermined manner.
difficulty in saying “I love you.”
increasing clinginess in the face of his distancing;
Attachment theory is based on the assertion that the need to be in a close relationship is embedded in our genes.
In fact, the need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachment figures (parents, children, and romantic partners). This mechanism, called the attachment system, consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones.
In a very dangerous environment, it would be less advantageous to invest time and energy in just one person because he or she would not likely be around for too long; it would make more sense to get less attached and move on (and hence, the avoidant attachment style). Another option in a harsh environment is to act in the opposite manner and be intensely persistent and hypervigilant about staying close to your attachment figure (hence, the anxious attachment style). In a more peaceful setting, the intimate bonds formed by investing greatly in a particular individual would yield greater benefits for both the individual and his or her offspring (hence, the secure attachment style).
After some time Tamara met Tom, a clearly secure man, and their relationship developed so smoothly she barely discussed it.
You’ll learn what your needs are and who you should be with in order to be happy in a relationship.
Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring their psychological and physical proximity. If our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until they do.
people are only as needy as their unmet needs.
“dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.
In Psychological Care of Infant and Child, a popular parenting book in the 1920s, John Broadus Watson warned against the dangers of “too much mother love” and dedicated the book “to the first mother who brings up a happy child.” Such a child would be an autonomous, fearless, self-reliant, adaptable, problem-solving being who does not cry unless physically hurt, is absorbed in work and play, and has no great attachments to any place or person.
Bowlby, however, observed that even infants who had all of their nutritional needs taken care of but lacked an attachment figure (such as infants raised in institutions or displaced during the Second World War) failed to develop normally. They showed stunted physical, intellectual, emotional, and social development.
I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me. (Measure of the secure attachment style) • I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being. (Measure of the avoidant attachment style) • I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person and this desire sometimes scares people away. (Measure of the anxious attachment style)
Today’s experts offer advice that goes something like this: Your happiness is something that should come from within and should not be dependent on your lover or mate.
The study demonstrates that when two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being. Their physical proximity and availability influence the stress response.
It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on—and this is the “dependency paradox.”
If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, first find the right person to depend on and travel down it with them.
strange situation test
having an attachment figure in the room was enough to allow a child to go out into a previously unknown environment and explore with confidence. This presence is known as a secure base. It is the knowledge that you are backed by someone who is supportive and whom you can rely on with 100 percent certainty and turn to in times of need. A secure base is a prerequisite for a child’s ability to explore, develop, and learn.
If we are unsure whether the person closest to us, our romantic partner, truly believes in us and supports us and will be there for us in times of need, we’ll find it much harder to maintain focus and engage in life.
when our partners are thoroughly dependable and make us feel safe, and especially if they know how to reassure us during the hard times, we can turn our attention to all the other aspects of life that make our existence meaningful.
When participants felt that their goals were supported by their partner, they reported an increase in self-esteem and an elevated mood after the discussion. They also rated higher the likelihood of achieving their goals after the discussion than before it. Participants who felt that their partner was more intrusive and/or less supportive, on the other hand, were less open to discussing their goals, did not confidently examine ways for achieving those goals, and tended to downgrade their goals during the course of the discussion.
our brain assigns our partner the task of being our secure base, the person we use as an emotional anchor and a safe haven, the one we turn to in time of need.
When our partner is unable to meet our basic attachment needs, we experience a chronic sense of disquiet and tension that leaves us more exposed to various ailments. Not only is our emotional well-being sacrificed when we are in a romantic partnership with someone who doesn’t provide a secure base, but so is our physical health.
Not only do they influence how we feel about ourselves but also the degree to which we believe in ourselves and whether we will attempt to achieve our hopes and dreams.
In dating situations, your thinking will shift from “Does he or she like me?” to “Is this someone I should invest in emotionally? Is he or she capable of giving me what I need?”
“How much is this person capable of intimacy? Is he sending mixed messages or is he genuinely interested in being close?”
Research shows that avoidants hardly ever date one another.
This does sound daunting, but before you call it quits, it is important to know that if you’re sensitive and nurturing enough to calm their fears—which is very doable—you will win a greatly loving and devoted partner.
Don’t be afraid to express your needs, thoughts, and feelings to your partner!
The clearest and most decisive clue that Bella is secure is the fact that she coached Mark in bed. This is a great example of communicating relationship issues clearly and effectively. She encounters a problem, wants to solve it, and feels confident enough to do so.
avoidants often sound like Paul—they attribute their single status to external circumstances, such as not having met the right girl.
He is not preoccupied with relationships nor does he fear remaining alone, which rules out an anxious attachment style
The famous seventeenth-century philosopher Baruch Spinoza said: “All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love.”
Notice that if you feel unsettled in a relationship situation, all that is required is a minimal reassurance from your partner—one text message in Shauna’s case—to get back on track. But if you don’t get that reassurance, your worries about the relationship will quadruple, and it will take a lot more than a simple text to calm your attachment system.
Understanding the attachment system is crucial for people with an anxious attachment style.
being anxious means that she thrives on intimate, supportive relationships that are stable and long-lasting, and that uncertainty and emotional unavailability get her activated and preoccupied, or in a word, miserable.
one of Bowlby and Ainsworth’s most important insights is that in order to thrive and grow as human beings, we need a secure base from which to derive strength and comfort.
True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind.
There is one last reason you will probably meet and date a fair share of avoidant people.
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to end their relationships more frequently.
They also suppress loving emotions and therefore “get over” partners very quickly so they can start dating again almost immediately.
People with a secure attachment style usually don’t go through many partners before they find one that they happily settle down with. Once things click, they form a long-lasting, committed relationship.
one study that looked at dating couples didn’t find even one pair that was avoidant-avoidant. Conclusion: Avoidants don’t date each other; they are more likely to date people with different attachment styles.
The messages that come across from someone secure are very honest, straightforward, and consistent. Secures are not afraid of intimacy and know they are worthy of love. They don’t have to beat around the bush or play hard to get. Ambiguous messages are out of the mix, as are tension and suspense. As a result, your attachment system remains relatively calm. Because you are used to equating an activated attachment system with love, you conclude that this can’t be “the one” because no bells are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference. Because of this fallacy you might let the perfect partner pass you by.
Don’t let emotional unavailability turn you on.
Say you decide to follow the advice of many popular relationship books. They offer guidelines to help you “land” a partner, such as: Don’t make yourself too available, say you’re busy even when you’re not, don’t call
And indeed, these books and the advice they give are right; these behaviors may indeed make you seem more attractive. What they don’t mention, because they are unaware of attachment science, is that they will make you seem more attractive to a very particular kind of partner—an avoidant one.
The key to finding a mate who can fulfill those needs is to first fully acknowledge your need for intimacy, availability, and security in a relationship—and to believe that they are legitimate. They aren’t good or bad, they are simply your needs. Don’t let people make you feel guilty for acting “needy” or “dependent.”
Not everyone has relationship needs compatible with your own, and that’s fine. Let them find someone else who wants to be kept at arm’s length, and you can go about finding someone who will make you happy.
The only way to make sure that you meet potential soul mates is to go out with a lot of people.
She started meeting lots of new people, thereby increasing her odds of meeting the right man—a secure man. Dating many people and not having time to get too anxious over any one particular prospect brought about a change in her attitude. Whereas before, she saw every man that she met and liked (and she was picky) as her last chance to find happiness, now prospects were plentiful.
the most important fact to remember is that the majority of the population—both male and female—are secure.
If you have an avoidant attachment style, the lesson Chris ultimately learned—that experiences are only meaningful when shared with others—is key to your happiness as well.
“Happiness only real when shared.”
For
In fact, studies show that if you have an avoidant attachment style, you tend to be less happy and satisfied in your relationships.
Whereas people with a secure attachment style find it easy to accept their partners, flaws and all, to depend on them, and to believe that they’re special and unique—for avoidant people such a stance is a major life challenge. If you’re avoidant, you connect with romantic partners but always maintain some mental distance and an escape route.
Many avoidants confuse self-reliance with independence. Even though it’s important for each of us to be able to stand on our own two feet, if we overrate self-reliance, we diminish the importance of getting support from other people, thus cutting ourselves off from an important lifeline.
Victor Florian and Gilad Hirschberger, from the department of psychology at Bar-Ilan University in Israel, asked couples to recount their daily experiences in a diary. They found that people with an avoidant attachment style rated their partner less positively than did non-avoidants. What’s more, they found they did so even on days in which their accounts of their partners’ behavior indicated supportiveness, warmth, and caring.
Avoidant individuals were found to be less accurate than anxious individuals at perceiving their partners’ thoughts and feelings during the experiment.
Embracing the notion of the “perfect” partner is one of the most powerful tools an avoidant can use to keep someone else at bay. It allows you to believe that everything is fine with you and that the person you’re with now is the problem—he or she is just not good enough.
once the avoidant person has put time and distance between herself and the partner whom she’s lost interest in, something strange happens: The feelings of love and admiration return! Once at a safe distance, the threat of intimacy is gone and you no longer feel the need to suppress your true feelings.
When your partner feels s/he has a secure base to fall back on (and doesn’t feel the need to work hard to get close), and when you don’t feel the need to distance yourself, you’ll both be better able to look outward and do your own thing. You’ll become more independent and your partner will be less needy.
people with secure attachment styles tend to make their anxious and avoidant partners more secure as well.
Make a relationship gratitude list. Remind yourself on a daily basis that you tend to think negatively of your partner or date. It is simply part of your makeup if you have an avoidant attachment style. Your objective should be to notice the positive in your partner’s actions. This may not be an easy task, but with practice and perseverance, you’ll gradually get the hang of it. Take time every evening to think back on the events of the day. List at least one way your partner contributed, even in a minor way, to your well-being, and why you’re grateful they’re in your life.
research shows that the best predictor of happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style.
if you’re with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance.
there was no observed difference between secure couples and “mixed” couples— those with only one secure partner. They both showed less conflict and were rated as better functioning than were the “insecure” dyads.
Many people who live with insecure partners cannot even begin to imagine how fundamentally different life with a secure person can be.
The results showed a weak but significant link between the two—children of mothers who were sensitive to their needs were more likely to have a secure attachment style, but the weak link means that, aside from methodological issues, there could be many other variables that come into play to determine a child’s attachment style.
Three studies failed to find a correlation between attachment security in infancy and in adulthood, while two other studies did find a statistically significant connection between the two. What is clear is that even if there is a correlation between attachment style in childhood and in adulthood, it is weak at best.
a secure attachment style doesn’t originate from a single source.
On average, about 70 to 75 percent of adults remain consistently in the same attachment category at different points in their lives, while the remaining 30 to 25 to 30 percent of the population report a change in their attachment style.
Researchers attribute this change to romantic relationships in adulthood that are so powerful that they actually revise our most basic beliefs and attitudes toward connectedness.
one of the most important roles we play in our partners’ lives is providing a secure base: creating the conditions that enable our partners to pursue their interests and explore the world in confidence.
You too can provide a secure base by adopting the following secure behaviors: • Be available: Respond sensitively to their distress, allow them to be dependent on you when they feel the need, check in with them from time to time, and provide comfort when things go wrong. • Don’t interfere: Provide behind-the-scenes support for their endeavors. Help in a way that leaves them with the initiative and the feeling of power. Allow them to do their own thing without trying to take over the situation, micromanage, or undermine their confidence and abilities. • Encourage: Provide encouragement and be accepting of their learning and personal growth goals. Boost their self-esteem.
As a secure, the opposite is true of you—you believe that there are many potential partners open to intimacy and closeness who would be responsive to your needs. You know you deserve to be loved and valued at all times. You are programmed to expect that. If someone sends out vibes that are not in line with these expectations—if they’re inconsistent or evasive—you automatically lose interest.
Studies in the field of attachment have confirmed that subjects with a more secure attachment style are indeed less likely to play games.
one of the tools most frequently used by people with a secure attachment style is effective communication—they simply surface their feelings and see how their date reacts.
Effectively communicating your needs from day one.
Subscribing to the belief that there are many (yes, many!) potential partners who could make you happy.
if you’re secure, you have the potential to get along with people who have anxious or avoidant attachment styles—but only if you are able to maintain your secure frame of mind.
If you’re secure, one of the reasons you’re able to maintain a satisfying relationship with someone who has an insecure attachment style is because he or she will gradually become more secure as a result of being with you.
people with a secure attachment style view their partners’ well-being as their responsibility. As long as they have reason to believe their partner is in some sort of trouble, they’ll continue to back him or her.
people with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing.
The bad news is that when secure people do, on occasion, enter into a negative relationship, they might not know when to call it quits—especially if it’s a long-term, committed relationship in which they feel responsible for their partner’s happiness.
just because you can get along with anyone doesn’t mean you have to.
When the two people in a couple have colliding intimacy needs, their relationship is likely to become more of a storm-tossed voyage than a safe haven.