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Book Notes: The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and your Children Will be Glad That You Did)

• Don’t dismiss your child’s (or anyone’s) feelings as silly. Try to understand why they are feeling the way they do. What were the triggers? Try to understand the situation from their point of view. You can go so far as to write a letter from their perspective to yourself, explaining the thought process.
• “When your child lies - and I say ‘when’ not ‘if’ - remember all the reasons for lying. It’s a developmental stage, they are copying you, they are creating their own private space, they’re lying to communicate a feeling, to avoid punishment or to avoid upset. If the lying is a problem, it’s better to problem-solve and find out what’s behind the lie rather than being punitive.”
• “it’s great when we don’t [lie], because it gives us a better cahnce to have proper dialogue and real intimacy.”
• “Quite often, children lie because the adults in their life would not be calm and unjudgemental about the truth.”
• “No one was ever healed by being made to feel ashamed or silly”
• “It takes time to put things into words but when a child is upset they’ll find it even harder to find the words, so it is up to you.” Name the feeling of your child.
• “Children learn real gratitude when they are shown it. It starts by you welcoming those pretend cups of tea they want to hand you for hours at a time. They are not wasted hours. They are invested hours.”
• “A child is most frustrated just before they master a new stage or skill.”
• “Your job is to model good behavior, to behave towards your child and towards other people with the same empathetic attitude and hope your child will adopt this behaviour too.”
• “mixed play teaches children how to play in a way that playing with kids of their own age does not. Younger children can learn more from older friends than they would by just mixing with their peers.”
• “With too many toys, they’re more likely to flit from activity to activity rather than engage deeply in one.”; “Children do not need more than a few simply toys: a couple of toy cars, a cardboard box, a square of material, a doll, a bear and a few bricks.”; “Children, like adults, become overwhelmed and frozen when given too much choice.”
• “Play is the foundation for creativity and for work; for exploration and discovery.”; “when a toddler is pushing a truck around the carpet and making a noise like an engine they are in fact working. They are absorbed, they are concentrating, they are using their imagination, they are constructing a narrative; their activity has a beginning, a middle and an end.”
• “Don’t disempower your child by doing something they could learn to do themselves, especially if you back off a bit”
• “Please don’t feel shame if your child needs any sort of help when they are adults because of something you got wrong when they were younger.”
• “In their own good time, your child will sleep all night and on their own, they will sit up, crawl, walk, get themselves dressed, eat solids, cook their own breakfast and pay their own rent. When we push them to do things before they are ready, we frustrate them and ourselves.”
• On ‘usual moods’: “much of how we habitually feel does develop in relationships with others, especially our parents.”
• “What can get in the way of your listening and observing? It’s prematurely preparing your response in your head.”
• “Get into the habit of telling your child what is going to happen, then leaving a pause before making something happen”
• “You may get more of an instant sense of onnection from a screen than from meaningful contact with another person - but it is not a viable substitute”
• “Instead of always trying to show her stuff, if I looked at what she was looking at too, let her show me what she liked, it was more rewarding…watching her concentrate on things filled me with something; perhaps you’d call it awe, or even just love”; “I realized I never really listen to my own son, as I don’t consider he may have something to tell me that I don’t know….I’m learning to find out who he is rather than assuming I know”
• “What does it feel like to be told something you feel you should know but don’t?” Don’t judge your child if he doesn’t know something.
• Very early dialogue with your child is breathing together.
• “There is no guarantees that a deprived, terrible childhood will result in mental-health problems later, or that an ideal childhood will protect someone from losing their mind.” Don’t feel bad if you did wrongs. You can repair any rupture.
• “People in isolation are more likely to scorn the idea of social interaction by thinking they are somehow better, or somehow worse, than other people, and thus give themselves an excuse not to try.” Basically everyone commenting on reddit, twitter, …
• “It is so much harder to finance a family now than it was for the generation before us because buying or renting a home costs many times as much as it did. I believe that, while we wait for the politicians to rectify this unfairness, perhaps the previous generation could help out new parents financially as well as emotionally.”
• “It’s like planning the life you want: all you can do is steer in the direction you want to go and then be flexible about what you cannot control.”
• “If you repeatedly distact your child from what they feel or from their experience, you are unwittingly discouraging them from being able to conentrate…it will discourage them from holding their attention on difficult things.”
• “When we feel bad, we don’t need to be fixed. We want to be felt with rather than dealt with”; Don’t treat your child’s sadness, anger and fears as negatives to be corrected but as opportunities to learn and to connect with them. “If you came home and said to your partner ‘I had a foul day at work,’ and they replied, ‘It can’t have been that bad,’ you probably wouldn’t feel seen, heard or met by them.”
• Respect your child’s “feelings, their person, their opinions and their interpretation of their world.”
• It means a lot to your child if you, as a parent, make a repair. Don’t pretend you are unfailable. Apologize to your child when you overreacted.
• A child takes up your life, 24/7. Most of your conversations with other adults will be about your child. For some, this can get annoying.
• You are never the only one. Even if you have weird thoughts about your baby, like wanting to kill it, there are others who feel that way too. Realizing that others go through the same struggles helps your mental health. Don’t think you’re a freak.
• Every person has 3 rooms: a reception (this is what other people see), a room of fears, regrets, doubts, depression (this is what we hide), a room of pride, positive feelings, fun, dancing. The idea is that we only see the reception room of other’s, not the other 2 rooms where the real things are.
• You don’t want a break from a person, you want a break from the feelings they trigger.
• Respect your child. Respect their feelings, their personality, their opinions, their interests (no matter if it’s gymnastics, minecraft, or dungeons & dragons), and their interpretation of the world. If we show them respect, they will be more likely to share their world with you.
• Attention-bids: attempts of someone to get your attention. Couples that are divorce respond to attention bids less than 30% of the time. Every time you respond to an attention-bid, you are strengthening your emotional bond.
• We confront our feelings through stories, music, or art. Each successive time we play a sad song, our pain hurts a little bit less. We express the feeling outward, not inward.
• Don’t be in denial of your child’s feelings. Parents often believe their child cannot or should not have negative feelings. “You are not depressed”. Don’t be in denial. Accept their feelings. Even if they are inconvenient, seemingly inappropriate, or annoying.
• Children cannot articulate their feelings. They do it by behavior (screaming, crying, …). We have to help them articulate what they feel. They will feel understood. They learn to contain their feeling.
• Children lie to avoid facing your anger or judgment. If you’re judgmental, kids won’t open up. That’s why therapy works: therapists don’t judge.

How to communicate better

Don’t say	Better	Explanation
You are too young to be out after 10pm	I feel scared when you are still out after 10pm. / I need you back at ten for my sake	Share how you feel: “I feel scared when…”, “I felt furious when…”, “I am upset that you…”, “I was impressed by you when…”, “I felt proud when you…”. Define yourself and not your child (to set boundaries).
You’re too young to go to pubs	I’m not ready for you to go pubs yet.	Define yourself and not your child.
Your music is too loud. Turn it down.	I’m finding this music too loud. I would like you to turn it down, please.	Define yourself and not your child
You’ve got to turn off th television at the end of this programme because you’ve watched too much.	I don’t want the television on any more so I will be turning it off after this. / I am not comfortable with you watching any more television, so I am switching it off after the end of this programme.	Define yourself and not your child. It’s a better way to construct boundaries. If you pretend that you have worthy reasons for a boundary, you are teaching your children to hide their real feelings behind worthy reasons.
You are not trusted with keys	I cannot allow you to have my keys"	Set boundaries by defining yourself.
	I’m sorry you feel so sad. / You are really angry, aren’t you?	See the situation from your child’s view. Try to name the feeling behind their behavior (e.g. wild crying). A child will learn to contain their feelings by having them contained for them by someone else, someone who understands, who can stay calm, who doesn’t shame them for feeling.
	I can understand that it feels unfair / The beginning of a big job can feel overwhelming. But I still need the room to be tidy. What would be the easiest way for you to do this?	Validate feelings.
	I’m going to lift you into the car set (then leave a pause so they can take it in) / Now I’m unbuckling you	Tell your child what is going to happen, then leave a pause so they can process it.
You are good at maths	I liked how hard you were concentrating when you did those sums (what a nerd)	Don’t judge your child. Don’t put them in a box, e.g. “the math genius”, “the clumsy one”, “the quiet one”
Nice picture	I’m impressed with how much thought you put into this picture	Praise effort, describe what you see and feel and encourage your child without judging.
Nice picture	I’m impressed with how much thought you put into this picture	Praise effort, describe what you see and feel and encourage your child without judging.